Free Me Of These Shackles...

I beat the résumé theme into the ground already, let’s try a different route.

I have come up with a theory about parents and children. Two adults find one another and create a loving bond. They eventually get married. Then behind closed doors they make a verbal agreement to turn their children into their own personal slaves. Through this pact, they push their kids into doing tasks such as wheel burrowing and pulling weeds(bringing it full circle). My parents thought that a specific skill set that would be necessary to learn is rock moving. I was trained in the art of moving small rock that you shovel up to picking up 100 ton boulders on my back and placing them in precarious spots, and everything in between. A popular one at the Halbach household is placing river rock in the shape of a winding river to make it look oh so pretty. My theory continues with what happens when the skills are acquired. Before internet or telephones were ever developed, parents told every other parent in the world what their child was capable of. The agreement then extends to every parent in the world that their child can be used at their discretion. I came up with this theory because it would seem the Zipp parents were told by my parents that I could do all three of these specific jobs. After the wheel burrowing and weed pulling, Michael has me help rebuild his stone wall. Him and Kurt were putting up wire fencing, I come behind them and rebuild the broken wall with large and small rocks. Sometimes I am running all over the mountain to find rocks that are suitable. I can’t quite figure out how the parents get the message out, but I know I will invoke that power when the time comes.

Moral of the story, if you cant lead the horse to water, then it is just not thirsty.

New Great Diet

Now that you have accomplished your new found weight with the TTD(The Travelers Diet©), it is time to put it back on. Boy do I have a diet for you. I know how tough it is on you to be able to keep traveling all this time not eating more than bread and Nutella. Your pain is over. With Brian’s new celebrity diet ESHF(Eat Silvia’s Healthy Food©), you can take your taste buds on a wild rollercoaster ride of pasta and vegetables. I know your first question “How do I pronounce it so I can tell all my friends about it?” Great question, and don’t worry, this won’t give you whip lash like the TTD did. Start off with a smile like The Joker(Jack Nicolson joker) and stick your tongue out like a doctor is checking your tonsils. Whatever sound that comes out will be good enough. Next you are going to pull your head back until you have no chin or too many to count and sssss like a snake. The last part is the most important. By now you are half way out of breathe, and if you aren’t, get rid of some air. Lean your head forward and give an H sound. You should look like you are breathing hot air on a mirror to write on it, but actually just breathing on someone’s face. Since you are out of breath now, struggle to get that last f out. Once you get that down it is time to start your new diet.

Here is the step by step process that has me feeling great.

1.       Buy an extra pair of larger jeans cause you might get bigger.

2.       Find a Italian cook named Silvia.

3.       Have her cook only naturally made products.

4.       When it comes time to eat, clean your plate, the two people next to you plates, and go for 2^nd and 3^rd helpings.

5.       Do some work outside, but don’t stress yourself too much, you don’t want to ruin your appetite.

6.       Repeat from #2 and do number 1 when you no longer need a belt.

Real live dieter, “I did this diet and took down all mirrors in my house so I don’t have to see what is happening to my stomach, but let me tell you, I have never been so happy.”

Carnivale

Yesterday starts the beginning of Carnivale. When Michael told me Bosa hold Carnivale I thought “YES, Cotton candy, merry go rounds and American Hotdogs.” Wrong. There will be no clowns walking around or obese hicks chomping down a turkey leg. Bosa holds a extremely cherished event that last one week. Today was not the first day, but the day when people get excited about it and begin preparations. Children got to leave school and parade through the main street banging on whatever then could to make “music”. Their faces have black ash all over them like the chimney cleaner in Mary Poppins. Little Nihima struck me with ash on the face and was then able to color all over my face. It gave me the 5 o’clock shadow I have always desired, if I were a werewolf. Carnivale starts late this year on Thursday the 3^rd of March. From information gathered from the host family, there is a story that is chosen each year. From that story people will dress up and go out each night in the streets and party. Saturday the 5^th, my birthday, is supposedly the craziest of the nights. On the last night of the 8^th people dress in all black in the morning. When I say dress I mean men wear women’s dresses and try to look like old hags begging on the street. At night everyone switches to all white and goes out for one last night of chaos. I am not much of a birthday person, but I guess if you are gonna celebrate it, you might as well have it be memorable. Last year I was in New Zealand in Rotarua, the egg smell capital of the world. As more information comes along to me, I will update about it. Be prepared for some pictures. From what I have heard children under 18 should probably not see them.

Moral of the story, calm waters run deep, calmer water don’t run at all.

Oh Hi, Didn't See You There

For the past couple days my parents and I have been keeping in touch via Skype about their trip to Italy. The first half of their trip will be spent with a couple of long time friends of the family. Starting in Rome and taking off to Tuscany. Their house in Tucson is heavily influenced by Tuscan culture. Turns out when they were deciding to live in the world they spun the globe blindly pointed at a spot. It was Tuscany. My mom didn’t have her glasses on and mistook a couple letters and that’s how we ended up in Tucson. When my dad found out about this tiny mistake he figured that he might as well make a house like a Tuscan Villa. For 6 days they are taking refuge in a Villa about 25 minutes outside of Florence. It is at this point I am going to fly to Florence and say hi to mom and dad. If you have asked me about my world favorite spots, I am sure I have mentioned Florence in there. We are heading to Cinque Terra and Venice after that. Impeccable skills of persuasion comparable to “the force” has convinced my parents that Istanbul is amazing. It too is on my list of beautiful cities in the world. From there it is slightly up in the air where we are going after, but I think it might be the most beautiful country I have been in; Switzerland. There is something so magical about the countryside and the alps. At that point I will be taking my leave and heading back to work. There is going to be plenty of work to be done at the Zipp house. But everyone needs a break from holiday.

Moral of the story, too much of a good thing is a good thing + a good thing.

Dice Cut STAB

The Zipp family has finally had enough. They have all taken it upon themselves to teach me Italian. I have a very unique gift for taking a large knife and butchering a beautiful language. After 2 weeks of some mumbles and awkward encounters the lessons have commenced. Before I left I was under the impression that if I immersed myself into a culture, then I would be able learn through osmosis. I was sure that by hearing it enough that my brain would flip a switch to Italian. For those who have the same natural talent of not learning language easily, do not assume what I did. Like the saying goes, by assuming you make an ass of u and…no pretty much just you(I think that’s how the saying goes). Luckily for me I get to start past 1^st grade. My knowledge of how to say my name and counting from 1 to 10 has be graduating to level 2. The biggest problems I have is of course my lack of vocabulary and the horror of the romance languages; conjugating verbs. This is what I was hoping would just come naturally to me. Sure if I listen to the jibberish enough the endings of actions will cemented in my head. I am taking a different route to achieve my goal. Something I thought I was done with in the 3^rd grade; writing out words hundreds of times. As I started writing out the conjugation of “I am”, essere, I was getting post dramatic stress from the long nights of writing out words like couch and coach 500 times. THEY ARE SO SIMILAR. This time around though I am thinking about what I am doing and have got grammatical lessons along the way.

To go along with the language lessons, Nihima is taking English classes as well. So my goal is to be better at Italian by the time I leave then she is in English, ever. What can I say, I aim for the stars.

Moral of the story, if you aim for the stars, there are enough that if you just point up you will probably hit one.

Yogi

I was sitting with my computer open contemplating what to write about on this day. What came to me…I am hungry, I have to go to the bathroom, why is this song in my library, and finally YOGA. For the past few weeks I have been taking Silvia’s yoga class that she offers on Wednesdays. This class takes place in a small cold room with 4 or 5 other older women and moi. When the women walked in and saw me I swear they were looking at a ghost. I asked Silvia what happened and it turns out men don’t usually take the class and they were a bit taken back. The women do not mind that I join them. One elderly woman actually has taken a fancy to me. If it is not Wednesday, sometimes I get to get a 1 on 1 session with SIlvia where she gets to work out my bad spots(everywhere). Now I believe it takes a real special kind of person to do yoga. I don’t think it is just for anyone to take part in. Let us go over some personality characteristics it takes to be a yogi.

1 Voluntarily subjecting your body to pain. Luckily I don’t have to pay, but most people are giving top dollar to feel pain and be told that it is good.

2 Willing to learn to breath. Most of my life I think I have perfected the art of breathing. I started pretty early in my life and have been holding strong with it ever since. There were some times when I lost my breathe, but don’t worry I got it back. I haven’t quite figured out the technique of breathing under water, but above ground I thought I was doing alright. Turns out there are different ways then in the nose/out the nose.

3 Distortions. People have to be ok with bending their bodies in ways that in most cases are not flattering. Fat rolls will plop out, butts will appear bigger, general unathleticism  will blossom out. Sure you think the people around you are concentrating on breathing and their bodies, but you can be damn sure they are checking you out too.

4 Public flatulence. Yep, it is common for people to let loose some gas during some of those real tough stretches. I am guilty of this, but by acting like you are coughing can make you feel like you have successfully hidden your butt burp.

I jest about yoga, but it has help loosen out some tight spots. I have done yoga on and off for a few years and I usually feel best when on. Another way to thank Silvia.

Big Wheels Rollin

As I mentioned, my years of experience in the picking of weeds was well utilized. The garden now looks like an oasis of dirt clogs and mud pies. Ripe for the making of greeneries and other vegetables that are have different pigment. It was a day to put the feet up and take a nice tea. NOPE. It seems that my host family got their hands on the previously mentioned résumé. Right under “Weed Picking Enthusiast” is listed “Wheel Burrowing State Champ: 3 years running”. Before I left my trip, I was known for taking trips to Phoenix to practice my wheel burrowing skills and my sister’s house. She needed 100 million ton of rock and sand moved. It seemed the opportunity to improve my abilities had fallen into my lap just in time. Fast forward to today when my feet were about to be planted on the couch. Michael stops me mid swing and tells me of the group project of the day. We are putting up the perimeter fence. Ok, this can’t be that bad, right? We just have to put some posts in the ground, some fence, drink a beer and go home. Not quite. There was on step that I didn’t think of. Cement. Michael has a machine that mixes the cement perfectly. But he needed a mule to wheel it around. Don’t be fooled by “around”, his land is not round, it is a mountain slope. My 3 year championship wheel burrowing and 100 million tons of rock and sand came handy. I think I had to take 10 loads of cement up and down Everest. “10? That’s it?” Considering that walking up once will nearly give you a heart attack, pushing up a full dish of mud pushes you inches from pushing daisies. I hope they don’t see the rest of résumé. I think “Hole Digging” was next.

Moral of the story,  if someone ever says “smell this”, don’t, it probably isn’t good…